Date: 2008-10-02 21:52 Subject: meme Security: Public

Dear sarah:

I don't really know how to tell you this, but i dislike you. I think I realized it when we skinny dipped with george bush and his wife and I saw you carve your initials into the crazy monk. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that i did a sex-change. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep the results of your blood sample as a memory. You should also know that I will tell the authorities about cocaine abuse.
Good luck on your short-term leave from jail,
jennie

RULES:
Do the "Letter MEME". Tag no less than 5 other people, and leave them a comment, informing them that they have been tagged. Then copy the "How-to" Letter Meme, and finish your Journal entry.

I tag
everyone!


Dear (the last person who left a comment on your journal):

I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I'm sure you're ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,
-Your name-

1. What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm in love with your sister


2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes


3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kabob - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
None of the above - With George Bush and his wife


4. What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive out


5. What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk


6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
House - Scarred
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
None of the above - Ashamed


7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I've felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks


8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your memories from the military service


9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college


10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Always will remember
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked


11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics


12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards

Date: 2008-05-06 12:42 Subject: music recommendations Security: Public

ok, so i'm making a cd for someone who likes the following bands:

alkaline trio
darkest hour
avenged sevenfold
Kovenant
my chemical romance
rise against
thrice

i'm trying for stuff he'd like based on these but hasn't heard before.

help? thanks!!

Date: 2008-02-23 16:44 Subject: new cd Security: Public

power ballads. go!

or just any 80s you like to rock out to. go!

Date: 2008-01-18 18:14 Subject: hehe Security: Public

One word to describe me... just one single word. Leave it in my comments. Then post this message on your journal and see how many strange and interesting things people say about you...

Date: 2007-08-26 01:15 Subject: ok.... Security: Public

this is random. the only ones that make sense are the first and last haha.

Date: 2007-08-20 19:11 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

i remember back in december 2005 when i was trying to seek professional help. it was almost impossible to get in touch with a shrink, let alone get one to call me back, god forbid actually make an appointment.

today i called around and found one and got an appointment for tomorrow within an hour. difference between san diego and LA? who knows. just an observation.




i am broken, and although my friends insist i'm doing fine i'm really not. i don't know what my family would say, i haven't told them the half of it. it's like i've entered this really dark world and i know there's a way out somewhere but i just can't see it i'm drowning. i hold knives and stare at them.


working in psych i've seen some interesting ways in which people try to kill themselves.

- cutting wrists with a phone card

- swallowing screws

- suicide by cop (always a favorite)

- running yourself over with your own car

- and many more not for the kiddies.


what is it like to be a cat? always in a state of half sleep? the gateway between our world and the next - cats.

i am constantly feeling rejected. even though i am not actually rejected. my life is rad, i love it. but i feel like i'm looking at it from the outside. everything and everyone at arm's length.



i love david duchovny. i have always loved david duchovny. hence i will automatically love anything he's in. david duchovny, why don't you love me?

Date: 2007-07-05 13:14 Subject: jesus christ Security: Public

i just went to lenscrafters to get an eye exam. the guy helping me was anything but friendly. at one point i had to get photos of my retina or whatever, and i had to sit in front of this machine and press the side of my face up against it.

well apparently i was doing it wrong because mr jerk came up and stood behind me and then put his hands around my neck and started moving my head.

i totally freaked out. i froze and then started shaking really hard and he asked if i was ok and i said "MOVE YOUR HANDS" a little too loud and when he did i jumped out of the chair and turned and looked at him. i must have looked really bad because he looked scared and asked me if i was ok again. i said NO and had to sit back down and he asked if i wanted to try again and i said i wanted the female doctor to do it for me. mr jerk didn't say anything and later the female doc helped me.

when i left i smoked a bunch of cigarettes and tried not to cry. when i got home i dyed my hair black.

i feel all fucked up. just when i think i'm doing ok, i'm so not ok.

Date: 2007-05-25 13:39 Subject: ------------- Security: Public

i'm a fucking mess. i guess now that i've had time to finally slow down i realize that i'm a total wreck. anytime someone shows me the tiniest bit of kindness i fall apart. i feel like i'm barely holding it together. i find myself feeling sorry for bill, and then 2 seconds later i get so angry again. i'm just so fucking TIRED.

being back at our apartment the other day really fucked with me. i was all over the place, i was getting all upset and angry and disappointed and anxious and all those really fun emotions people try so hard to repress.

this morning, in the hallway of my hotel, 2 teenage boys were laughing and talking really loud. one of them shouted "i will fucking kill you!" and my mind and body unexpectedly reacted and i froze and my heart stopped then started pounding really hard and i had to run to my room so they wouldn't see me hyperventilating and sobbing. it was awful.

when someone asks how i'm doing, i'm ok. when someone hugs me, i cry. when someone looks me in the eye and talks to me i cry. like i said i think now that i'm done rushing all over the place i can really sit and listen to myself. and i am SO not ok.

this morning i talked to the DA again. bill pled not guilty, so he's still in jail. on the 5th his lawyers will decide whether or not he has a case. on the 7th, the same day as my hearing for my restraining order, there is a preliminary hearing in which i will have to testify, and so will the cops who arrested him.

Date: 2007-05-17 22:07 Subject: um Security: Public

bill slapped me a couple days ago. it was not even 7am and he woke me up, yelling at me. i was laying in bed naked and he came over (edit: after yelling at me and throwing my cat diddle, brown gold yellow black, off the bed from next to me) and slapped me. it didn't leave a mark but it hurt and i was completely shocked. needless to say now i'm kinda afraid of him. he wanted to use it as a brand new beginning, a jumping off point. but since then i'm extremely disillusioned with this whole thing and i don't know what to do. i love him, and i want to take this chance at a new beginning because things between us were so good at the start. i know i've done things to fuck it up, but so has he. so we're both at fault. and in the past i've slapped him a lot, but this is the first time a man has ever raised his hand to me. my first instinct was to grab my cats and leave. but i was a weak little girl and i let him hold me and tell me he's sorry and it'll never happen again. friends, if i become a statistic, do not speak ill of me. i always swore that i would leave a man on one of 3 conditions: 1- he cheats 2- he's gay 3- he hits me. and he hit me. and i was terrified. he promised to do all kinds o' shyte like go back on his meds and get another job etc but i still told him i want us to break up. yet somehow he's determined to make this work. i don't even look at him the same way anymore. it's so hard and i don't know what to do. we're moving to a totally different city in a few days. and i don't know what to do. i love him. but is he going to do it again?

Date: 2006-11-14 00:43 Subject: interesting perspective Security: Public

while doing research, i found the following. i love it. (but i think the kleenex thing is a bit much.)

National Association for Rights Protection and Advocacy

To be a mental patient is to be stigmatized, ostracized, socialized, patronized, psychiatrized.

To be a mental patient is to have everyone controlling your life but you. You're watched by your shrink, your social worker, your friends, your family. And then you're diagnosed as paranoid.

To be a mental patient is to live with the constant threat and possibility of being locked up at any time, for almost any reason.

To be a mental patient is to live on $82 a month in food stamps, which won't let you buy Kleenex to dry your tears. And to watch your shrink come back to his office from lunch, driving a Mercedes Benz.

To be a mental patient is to take drugs that dull your mind, deaden your senses, make you jitter and drool and then you take more drugs to lessen the "side effects."

To be a mental patient is to apply for jobs and lie about the last few months or years, because you've been in the hospital, and then you don't get the job anyway because you're a mental patient. To be a mental patient is not to matter.

To be a mental patient is never to be taken seriously.

To be a mental patient is to be a resident of a ghetto, surrounded by other mental patients who are as scared and hungry and bored and broke as you are.

To be a mental patient is to watch TV and see how violent and dangerous and
dumb and incompetent and crazy you are.

To be a mental patient is to be a statistic.

To be a mental patient is to wear a label, and that label never goes away, a label that says little about what you are and even less about who you are.

To be a mental patient is to never to say what you mean, but to sound like you mean what you say.

To be a mental patient is to tell your psychiatrist he's helping you , even if he is not.

To be a mental patient is to act glad when you're sad and calm when you're mad,
and to always be "appropriate."

To be a mental patient is to participate in stupid groups that call themselves therapy. Music isn't music, its therapy; volleyball isn't sport, it's therapy; sewing is therapy; washing dishes is therapy. Even the air you breathe is therapy and that's called "the milieu."

To be a mental patient is not to die, even if you want to -- and not cry, and not hurt, and not be scared, and not be angry, and not be vulnerable, and not to laugh to loud -- because, if you do, you only prove that you are a mental patient even if you are not.

And so you become a no-thing, in a no-world, and you are not.

Date: 2005-12-10 22:55 Subject: tonight Security: Public

i just talked to mikey for an hour.

he has agreed to get help but he is also determined to move to hawaii.

he said he realizes he fucked things up with me, and he knows things will probably not work out with wendy.

he doesn't know why he left me.

he doesn't know when he'll come back.

he doesn't know why he chose wendy over me.

i am crushed. i am devestated. i am betrayed. i am alone.
but i am happy he's getting help.
and i am hopeful the help he gets will straighten him out.
back to the old mikey.
the one who loves me.

Date: 2005-12-10 10:26 Subject: another day Security: Public Mood: blank

so today is another day, hopefully much better than yesterday. again, a lot has happened.

first off, i would like to thank you guys for helping me through this. it sounds cheesy but in a crisis true friends come forward and i am always surprised. thank you so much. this whole disaster has taught me a lot about human nature. i am relieved and a little surprised that i don't have to go through this alone, i guess my own torn and twisted logic was telling me otherwise. thank you all again. your support and advice has been invaluable in this dark time for me. i only hope i can be as great a person as you all have shown me that you are. thank you all so much.

secondly, i am overwhelmed at the outpouring of support i have gotten from people. you guys of course. old friends i haven't talked to in months step forward. my parents. and maybe not so oddly, but complete strangers on the internet.

somehow, hearing advice and support from strangers who are completely impartial has really helped me. i joined a forum that is hugely exapnsive. aside from LJ, i do not belong to any forums. it's called the DBSA (depression and bipolar support alliance) Invision Powerboard, and it's been a giant help. i posted in their bipolar community forum right after mikey was diagnosed a week ago asking how i could help, and the people who replied were very helpful and pointed me to the Friends and Family Forum. i spent a long time there last night. i posted a long post about the whole thing, beginning at explaining my background and mikey's, our relationship, and when and how he started getting sick, and ending with his thwarted suicide attempt and the whole wendy thing yesterday. it was very long and detailed. and within minutes i had a bunch of replies from people who are going through and have gone through the same exact thing as me, as well insight from people in mikey's place.

they all said pretty much the same thing you guys have been telling me. take care of myself (i realize i haven't eated in 2 days, woops), and most importantly i can't control him, and thinking i can will just destroy me. they reinforce that everything he's doing right now is because he's not in his right mind, and with meds and help he will realize the huge mistakes he's made. and if things ever start with wendy, they will never work. they as well as i am not sure if he's hit rock bottom yet, but if i ride this rollercoaster with him it will kill us both. they all believe that he will come around eventually and try to come back to me, but until he does i have a lot of soul searching to do. do i really want him back? right now i do. but in a month? a year? i don't know. i do not want him back if he's like this. but i do want him back if he's getting help. and right now he's not. until then all i can do is be supportive of him. and take care of myself.

so this is what i'm going to do:
box up all of mikey's shit that he's left behind, and probably rearrange and crackclean the house
get hooked up with a really good shrink (this is of top priority)
get a really long massage
get a haircut (this always helps me)

in the meantime i will be available for mikey if he needs me. but like everyone has said, i have to work on detaching. i love him, i really do. he's being self-destructive right now. he's not even being himself. he just called me and we had a 5 minute conversation about how he needs to seriously reconsider this hawaii and wendy thing because that will not help. i told him it's endless. running away to people who don't know you're sick will not solve anything. i urged him to go back to the hospital and start his meds, which he still has not done. he had to go so i told him to think about what i said and he said he'd call me back.

i'm really REALLY looking forward to this massage.

Date: 2005-12-09 16:24 Subject: this horrible nightmarish day from HELL Security: Public Mood: tired

so after mikey's continuing downward spiral led him to believe that leaving me was the best thing for us both and he up and left and i got really drunk and woke up (still feeling like ass) and saw the previously mentioned post declaring that he left me to start a new life with wendy and my broken heart was totally stepped on, he finally called me back.

he told me that he had trouble sleeping - night terrors and sleep paralysis. he was laying in his dark hotel room and "there were people all around him, speaking japanese." and he couldn't move.

so i told him he should start taking his meds again and then i told him i knew about wendy. he was quiet for a second and then asked me who emailed me. i told him it was someone from newgrounds, that i saw the whole post, everything. he freaked out "SHIT" and then hung up on me.

he called back a minute later and apologized for hanging up on me. i am very proud of myself, i didn't yell once. i was very calm and rational. i asked him why he didn't tell me. he said he didn't know. i told him i was very hurt. he said he knows. i said, "you think you felt betrayed when you found out i called your doctor to help you? how do you think i feel?" he's not in his right mind, at all. and i don't know if wendy knows it. she's going through a rough time right now too, i think they're just clinging on to each other. but i still hate that fucking goddamned bitch for trying to break us up. anyways the highlight of that phone conversation was me saying, "i don't understand why you think your life will be better with wendy than with me and the great life we were building here in san diego. wendy can't fix you. you will still feel this way. you NEED to take your meds and see a doctor." he told me he was leaving me for wendy because every time he talked to her he felt better, and every time he saw me he felt the irrational guilty feeling. he reminded me that his disease is characterized by snap decisions. i told him that one day he will realize that that's ridiculous, that he should just take things one step at a time, see his family, etc. he said he had to go, he would call me tonight at 7.

he didn't wait til 7. he called me again 10 minutes later, a total wreck. he said he didn't know what to do anymore and he's ruined everyone's lives and the world would be better without him. i calmly asked him to calm down, pull over, and take his meds. it was like i wasn't even there. he just kept babbling about how he needs to end his cycle of suffering. suicide. then he hung up on me.

when he didn't respond when i kept calling, i called my mom, who advised me to call the police. so i did.
i told them he is suicidal. i described his car. i told them about his gun. i told them his disorders and that he hasn't been taking his meds.

mikey's sister, the chief of police, called him. as he was headed to her house, he called me and bitched me out. i insisted that i did not call sandra. but i did not say i did not call the police.

then my friend kristen called me when mikey was at sandra's. i told her what was going on and she said dude, tell him i called the cops, so you don't get in trouble. that saved me.

mikey called about an hour later when he was leaving sandra's, and bitched at me again about calling the cops. i told him the kristen story and he was furious and wanted to call her. i said no way. he needed to calm down. apparently the cops had issued an APB for his immediate arrest. he kept yelling about how i ruined his trip. i continued to be gentle. then he had to go.

the cops called me about an hour later and told me that mikey is with his family and they were going to decide what to do with him. sandra had already taken away his gun. the cops told me that his family had taken mikey to the psych ward in the hospital for an evaluation. they assured me that once he starts treatment and therapy he will come around and realize what wonderful things i've done for him. i choked up. at least someone thinks so.

several hours later mikey called me again. he had just been released from the hospital after the eval. they found the same things - OCD, PTSD and bipolar. and they think he might have something else and want him to come back. i asked when he was going to go back and he said he didn't know. he will be spending the next couple days with his family. he had to go because he was pulling up to his brother's house.

i don't know how to feel. i don't know what to think. i've talked to several close friends and my parents and they have really helped. and i took a xanax. that helped too.

like i said i don't know if wendy knows how sick mikey is. but i still hate that vile cunt. i can't believe she is trying to break us up. i will never, never forgive her for this. ever. i think mikey just associates her with the last time he was happy away from me, when he was unemployed in hawaii and having the time of his life. i think his twisted mind thinks that if he leaves me, starts all over with her, he will be happy again. he's told me before he can't stand her for more than 10 minutes. she's high maintainance, goes clubbing all the time, is super shallow, etc, all the things mikey hates. he told me i'm the opposite of her. and i know mikey still loves me. the old mikey, anyway. and i love mikey. and i want him back. but not if he's going to be like this and not getting help. everyone seems to think that once he gets help and starts taking his meds and getting well then he'll come back to me. but will i want him back? do i really want to go through this again? i love him. i really do. i am so happy when i'm with him. but not like this, not when he's sick.

i don't know what to do. where to go. what to think. i am so tired. i need help. someone please tell me something.

Date: 2005-12-09 07:30 Subject: my sick, sad life Security: Public Mood: depressed

oh. my. god. people. so much has happened in these last 24 hours.

mikey left me. yesterday. when i got home from work he was gone, and so was most of the stuff in our house. he left me a note saying he's never coming back and it's over bla bla bla. i think it's his illnesses.

i was devestated.

i called him to see where he was. i knew he was leaving, but i still don't know for how long. i begged him to take his medication and see any kind of therapist. he begged me to move on because we'll never see each other again.

so i drank a bottle of champagne and talked to some friends on the phone. then i puked a lot and passed out.

so now i'm up super early feeling sick. and i got an email from someone i don't even know with this link:

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic.php?id=392339

yes, the infamous wendy rears her ugly head yet again. and seriously, she looks like a man.

i am destroyed. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to think. mikey hasn't returned my call since i got up. if he checks the internet before he calls me then he'll know. i sent him an email with the link asking him why he didn't tell me. and if he checks his post (which i know he does obsessively) then he'll see the replies telling him that someone emailed me with the link.

i can't believe this happened. is it because he's sick? what did i do? what did i do? i guess he really did ruin my life.

Date: 2005-12-08 10:48 Subject: waiting again..... Security: Public Mood: gloomy

mikey is leaving today for san fransisco. no plan or timeline.

i feel sad and empty. i hope i don't cry when we say goodbye.

Date: 2005-12-05 22:12 Subject: i don't know what's going to happen. Security: Public Mood: uncomfortable Music: some lame movie on tv

mikey just left for a walk. he won't stop pushing me away.

when he was at the hospital today getting his eval i cleaned the whole house top to bottom, and i folded all his clothes and showered and got all dolled up just because it made me feel better.

and he came home unhappy. he has OCD, PTSD and extreme bipolar disorder. his new medications will be available for pickup on wednesday. and he won't stop pushing me away.

now he's staying until wednesday so he can get his meds. and watch LOST. then he's leaving on thursday. to go to san fransisco to stay with his brother and see his dad and reconnect with his family. for some reason i feel like he's not coming back. maybe because he said he won't come back when he leaves. maybe because he said he wishes he'd disappear. maybe because he won't sit by me or look at me or let me love him any more. i hurt so much and i am so alone. i feel like my whole life is falling apart. i love him so much, i want to hold him, to cry with him, to show him he's not alone. but he puts his hood up and won't even look at me. and i'm wearing the beautiful earrings he gave me last valentine's day, almost a year ago. and i can't stop crying. i try not to let him see me cry, but he walked back in just now and saw it and i said it was the movie i'm watching.

i don't know why i think he's never coming back. i still have a faint hope that he will. maybe i'm in denial. he's just up and leaving in his car. i still have all his stuff. and he loves me. i know he does. and one of the only reasons i think he's not coming back is because he said he doesn't know when he'll be coming back, so he transferred the bills into my name. am i crazy?

he will get better, right? he's not leaving me forever, right? this is just a bad episode like the one that happened 5 years ago, right?

i wish someone would tell me what's going to happen. this is a nightmare.

Date: 2005-12-05 08:12 Subject: december 21, 2004. 349 days. Security: Public Mood: hoping for the best Music: the fire crackling (yeah, i bought the CrackleLog)

doing that last post made me all nostalgic. so i decided to delve into the archives and find out the day mikey moved in with me, the day which i will declare our anniversary. we've never celebrated anniversaries or even considered ourselves to be dating until he moved in with me. almost a full year ago, dec 21, 2004. looking back i had forgotten how uncertain and scared and skeptical i was, would he stay? would he leave again? our whole relationship has been like that. why am i surprised that it's like that again?

he is in the shower right now. i have a fire going. it is freezing. he is scared. i am hopeful. he faces a firing squad of docs here in 45 minutes. 45 minutes, after weeks of waiting and fighting and crying and uncertainty. please commit him. please, god, anyone, get his ass in the hospital for good. before he leaves me again. he has never left me forever, but each time he does it feels like that's the time he will. i don't know how much more i can take. i say that every time. i can hear him taking his pills in the bathroom. my poor, sweet, kind and loving man. so different than the man he was a month ago. almost a 180. i am also nervous for today. i just really want to know what's wrong so we can start fixing it. i really want the docs to put him on a daily regimine of therapy so he can't leave. i feel so selfish. here i am going to hawaii for 9 days while he's suffering and suicidal. he pushed me out though. i want more than anything for him to join me for any and or all of that time in hawaii, my homeland, the land that has blessed me with so much, especially him. i can't believe we met 5 years ago, between christmas and new years. and it's been a violent rollercoaster ever since.

please please, powers that be, i am bursting at the seams. what is wrong, what is wrong. what can we do?

..........................................waiting.

Date: 2005-12-03 23:41 Subject: cut me bleeding Security: Public Mood: exhausted

you ran away and i'm here to stay... and we don't see eye to eye

(ann berretta, "glory bound")

my worst fears are so close to the surface that i'm terrified that they'll spring into existance.

last night mikey and i hung out with our neighbor dave. he's really cool, really energetic, a tattoo artist and a painter. he's trippin because his girlfriend whom he moved out here with is leaving him to go back to rhode island. so we got drunk.

bad idea for mikey, so many meds and a few beers means bad news all around. he was delerious and talking a whole lot of nonsense that had me bawling and i'm sure i didn't help like i wanted to.

this morning i got really upset at mikey before i left for work. he asked me to smile before i left and i wouldn't, i told him to tell me he still loves me and then i would. he didn't. so i left in tears. when i got to work i was a wreck. i told my boss' daughter i couldn't work. she said no i had to stay, i said give me an hour she said ok. so i went home crying my damn eyes out.

i asked mikey to please sit next to me on the couch, something he hasn't done in i don't even know how long. he did and i hiccupped out my heart as he stared straight ahead. i told him to hurry up and leave me. i told him my heart breaks every time i look at him. he said he feels bad for ruining my life. i told him he should, he did ruin my life. i told him he's fucked up. he's treating me like shit. i was sobbing like i haven't done since i found out my dad has cancer. i told him either to let me help him or to break up with me. here. now. for good. he said he can't deal with my drama. that the only thing he ever cared about in his life is slipping away and it's his fault. i told him yeah, it is. i begged him not to leave me like i know he will. i want to do this with him. i will die without him.

it ended unresolved and we were both very upset. he stormed out of the house with his gun. i was so upset i couldn't see straight. emtpy. alone. and i finally had to answer a call from my boss. she could tell i was hugely upset. she knows a little bit about mikey, i had previously told her on a need-to-know basis. so i was sobbing into the phone all my problems and how i feel so alone bla bla bla to my goddamned boss. and she helped set me straight. she said:

he IS ruining your life.

you need to get him help. NOW.

do NOT burden him with all your shit right now. he can't deal with it. he is very sick.

very helpful, very sound advice from an outsider. i felt a little better. and immediately regretted giving mikey the ultimatum i thought he so desperately needed. when in reality it fucked up everything.

i was in the middle of writing him a note telling him
now it's him
i was wrong and out of line
let's focus on HIM
ignore me going off the deep end earlier
bla bla bla
when he came home very distraught.

he told me he couldn't stand seeing the only thing in his life he gave a damn about being unhappy and fucked up all because of him. i told him NO NO NO the same thing i've been telling him for weeks now IT'S NOT YOU YOU'RE SICK. here. read my note. i love you. through all of this. let's get YOU better.

and i went to work. it's saturday now. then sunday tomorrow. and monday he goes for his 3 hour PTSD screening with a panel of doctors.
aside: yesterday i called his PTSD doctor i was able to track down and told her my side of his story for 15 minutes. at first she was like "um ok" but by the end she was like "spell his last name for me. what are the last 4 of his social? etc." like she suddenly cared when i told her he can't make it to the bathroom and he's talking to people who aren't there and he's leaving for hours at a time with his gun.

at work i was still pretty much trippin and i called his friend wendy in hawaii who i never talk to but i know means a lot to him. i left her a message saying please call mikey. he's having a rough time. you're his good friend. please talk to him. and call our other friend dave and tell him the same thing, i don't have his number. and then call me back so we can talk about our dads dying of their respective cancer.

(apparently wendy did call mikey, distraught and in tears, and their other friend tawney did too. and mikey called me at work all pissed off that i had gone and blabbed to these people i don't even know. i covered my tracks but i'm afraid his fragile trust in me has waned. all because i wanted to help and i feel so alone and i know his friends can help. they did before, they can now. or so i thought. was i so wrong? i am scared and confused. i thought i was doing the right thing?)

at work i left for awhile to go watch the OB christmas parade. my coworker and new friend chrissy brought me peppermint schnapps to put in my hot chocolate. she and her friends were so funny and sweet that i cried silently standing behind them. and the parade was so sweet and innocent and the girl scouts giving out candy canes and the geriatric surfing league doing synchronized dancing with surfboards and the lifeguards on their float and the WWII vets on theirs and the mayor and the boy scouts and the local high school marching band and football team and it was all more than i could handle. it was so beautiful and fun and sweet and superficial i cried the whole time, laughing and smiling and waving at everyone floating by in costume and santa and the huge lighted christmas tree and the parade of old time cars and people laughing and dancing and music loud music and beauty and fun and sweetness. i was overwhelmed. then i had to go back to work.

when i got home from work tonight i made him dinner like i always do. he had told me earlier that all he wants from me is for me to be happy, and in his words, bright and cheery. so i was. and i had a drink. and i was. now it seems ok. we talked about just forgetting this morning. i said i fucked up. i said i was off the deep end. i said i was very upset and i don't know why and you know me i get emotional about the weirdest shit. i said ignore me. i said let's focus on you, i'm here for you, please don't think too much about my dumbass issues. i want him to focus on him. i said i love him. i said i always will. i said let's get through this and things will be so much better i promise.

and i burned him a cd i will give to him now. and a note telling him i love him. i do. i really do. it's killing me, but i do.

Date: 2005-12-01 18:27 Subject: sitting alone with some wine...... again Security: Public Mood: blank Music: pilfers - "agua"

mikey is a wreck. and keeps getting worse. he hears voices. burns his mail. carries his gun everywhere. cries all the time. falls asleep sitting up. gets snappy. can't make it to the bathroom regularly - no pun intended. i had to talk to him about getting committed, he was committed 5 years ago, and i was trying to convince him he needs to do it again. i told him that the flashes of the old mikey that shine through are getting less and less and i know he's still in there somewhere, but he needs help and he needs it NOW. but i can't have him committed, he needs to do it voluntarily. he has a 3 hour evaluation with the PTSD expert on monday. they've expedited it.

he's coming home, i should stop this. but before i do i should mention that he tried to strangle me in his sleep a few nights ago. now i'm not only afraid for him.

me next post will be hilarious, i promise.

Date: 2005-11-23 20:47 Subject: POOR ME Security: Public Mood: empty Music: dog the bounty hunter on tv

i'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself. i hate myself for indulging in self-pity but hey how can i not? i have no friends here. my loved ones are falling apart. my life is pointless, what can i do? laugh about it, i guess. one day at a time.

my sweet father was released from the hospital today after the first of his two stem cell transplants. my mom says he has rashes and lesions all over his body from the chemo, and pretty much no hair. but he's in good spirits. he was so happy to be out of the hospital and back in their little cabin that he got teary, and actually cried when he saw the pictures of me my mom had put up. it breaks my heart. sweet, beautiful, fragile. so innocent, once free and beautiful. still happy though. tired. but happy.

my life is so hard right now and i have no one to help me.

my man is the same. the valium makes him slow. he still carries a gun and burns his mail. he thinks he's visiting me at work when in reality it happened days ago. did i see you today? no, no you didn't. i have to make lists for him or he gets confused and overwhelmed. he has an hour consultation with a doc next week. soon he will have a 3 hour consultation with the PTSD doc and enter a 12 week recovery program at the hospital. will he have to stay there? i don't know. i almost hope he does. he needs help. and every time he says he's going to leave me i die a little more.

at work today my boss gave me a bottle of wine for thanksgiving. and i worked with a new girl who did all my closing work for me. and she's so sweet and calls me honey which i usually hate but now i like because i feel bad for anyone who opens up to me in the slightest i fall all over them begging for some sanity in my life.

i bought a little turkey at the store yesterday and a pie and some potatoes and stuffing. and i stole onions and whip cream from work. happy thanksgiving.