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Date: 2007-05-17 22:07
Subject: um
Security: Public
bill slapped me a couple days ago. it was not even 7am and he woke me up, yelling at me. i was laying in bed naked and he came over (edit: after yelling at me and throwing my cat diddle, brown gold yellow black, off the bed from next to me) and slapped me. it didn't leave a mark but it hurt and i was completely shocked. needless to say now i'm kinda afraid of him. he wanted to use it as a brand new beginning, a jumping off point. but since then i'm extremely disillusioned with this whole thing and i don't know what to do. i love him, and i want to take this chance at a new beginning because things between us were so good at the start. i know i've done things to fuck it up, but so has he. so we're both at fault. and in the past i've slapped him a lot, but this is the first time a man has ever raised his hand to me. my first instinct was to grab my cats and leave. but i was a weak little girl and i let him hold me and tell me he's sorry and it'll never happen again. friends, if i become a statistic, do not speak ill of me. i always swore that i would leave a man on one of 3 conditions: 1- he cheats 2- he's gay 3- he hits me. and he hit me. and i was terrified. he promised to do all kinds o' shyte like go back on his meds and get another job etc but i still told him i want us to break up. yet somehow he's determined to make this work. i don't even look at him the same way anymore. it's so hard and i don't know what to do. we're moving to a totally different city in a few days. and i don't know what to do. i love him. but is he going to do it again?
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User: soakingup
Date: 2007-05-18 06:02 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
If he'll do it once this early then chances are he may do it again. Don't let it happen, lady. You're worth WAY more.
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User: ihatepavel
Date: 2007-05-18 06:12 (UTC)
Subject: Long...
Jennie, I fully know that this is not a black and white issue and this is a hard decision to make.

That said, I think you should leave him...at least for awhile. This doesn't have to be The End. I think that the fact that you're moving is a GREAT thing. It can give you guys a chance to have space from the relationship while you're busy with new changes on another front.

You can't stay with a guy who physically attacks you, no matter how mild or how severe. But just because Bill has done this once doesn't mean that he necessarily will do it again. It doesn't mean that this one incident makes him an abuser who can never be in a relationship.

However: if you don't take a break from the relationship for awhile, I absolutely believe he will do it again. He needs to get professional help in order to get over this and he needs to get that without the context of you living with him.

Here are other reasons that the relationship may need a break, and I am taking this all from previous journal entries:

a) he is trying to persuade you to a more serious relationship than you are ready for, given your post on 2007-03-25 17:57. You used the words "he is pressuring me."
b)He is convinced that you are cheating, this has caused frequent disagreements and you yourself have slapped him in an argument. I magazine I read at the gym (if you can't trust that, what CAN you trust?!) quoted a marital counselor as saying constant worries that your partner is cheating is "corrosive" in a relationship.
c) You have to nag at him to get him to do the general mental health stuff, like take his meds, that he absolutely needs to do...at times he has gone weeks at a time without taking important medication. This all means that basically, he has a LOT of shit to work out, and it's super hard on a relationship, and maybe it would be kinder to give him the space to work on himself before he can handle being a boyfriend.
d) a few things you have said make me think that he is, not intentionally necessarily, encouraging you to overdue things with drugs and alcohol. This is just an impression and I totally could be wrong about this.
e) Previously, you have said that Bill "keeps trying to dump me" and that you're "sick of this." Given that your relationship is still pretty new, relatively, this worries me...

Anyway, I realize that I'm taking this stuff from a blog where you probably vent a lot of drama and keep the calm, good stuff quiet. Most relationships look unstable from that point of view, so it's kind of unfair. But all this stuff has happened with a guy in the course of less than a year, and well, I just think the best thing to do is to take a break.

Not to mention that if this relationship can be saved, it needs it. Just my humble and totally unprofessional opinion...

...no matter what you do, I love you and will support you in the action you choose to take.
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User: xebabex
Date: 2007-05-18 14:53 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
If you need someone to talk to, I'm here on yahoo @ explicitfacade. Or email me at feisty [at] e-babe.net .

This really worries me. I would break it off if I were you, but it is ultimately your choice.
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User: emeraldsrain
Date: 2007-05-18 19:33 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Screw him, leave him.
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cloudsobscured: Dharma
User: cloudsobscured
Date: 2007-05-19 00:52 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Awe, Jennie. I think you know what you have to do.
My way of helping you is to take your words and just remind you of what you said.
1. now i'm kinda afraid of him
2. things between us were so good at the start.
3. this is the first time a man has ever raised his hand to me. my first instinct was to grab my cats and leave.
4. if i become a statistic
5. and he hit me. and i was terrified.
6. i still told him i want us to break up.
7. i don't even look at him the same way anymore.

If you ask me, your words speak loud and clear. My advice is to use your grad school acceptance and moving as a fresh start. And as hard as it may be, Bill free.

PS: Did you watch the LOST special on Thursday evening?
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Ender Shileikis
User: pathfinder_1995
Date: 2007-05-19 21:39 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Did he HIT you, or did he just give you a good slap? In all honesty, I think there is a big difference. I mean, it's pretty acceptable for a woman to give a man a good slapping. Why not the other way around?

I have to say, I slapped Kathryn. Twice. She was shocked as all hell, but we agree it wasn't abuse. My reason for slapping her was totally unjustified and wrong (in hindsight), but I think that it is important to express your anger with your significant other, preferably in a healthier manner.

Really though, what is the difference between some yelling (verbal abuse) and a slapping (physical abuse)? Personally, I'd rather get a firm slapping than be destroyed with words. So, not that I know ANYTHING, but try to put some perspective on the situation and then ask yourself how 'abusive' it really was.

So, say, if you had cheated on him, and he slapped you, I would consider that justified. So, why did he slap you exactly?

All that said, it's probably best to get some space and time between you. Even though this whole thing w/ Kathryn has been tearing me to shreds, I feel far more whole and at ease with myself since we've been apart.

So, I say separate, go to your own corners, figure things out with yourselves, and then revisit the situation later.
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User: ihatepavel
Date: 2007-05-20 21:58 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
I disagree that it's OK to hit your partner, in any way shape or form, and that includes women slapping men. It's never acceptable unless you are defending yourself against a physical attack.

However, naturally it IS generally more severe when men hit women, because men are physically stronger than women, GENERALLY SPEAKING. Obviously there are exceptions, but I can't defend myself physically against many men, including Arian.

On this note, Jennie's partner is a very big guy, so I imagine this physical disparity exists in her relationship as well.
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User: jessiebeans
Date: 2007-05-21 13:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)

Good luck and always have a money stash!
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October 2008